An Arbor Day Carol
by Destiny Dingle
Summary: Kind of like a christmas carol but for Arbor day. It's much funnier than I could ever make it sound... because i stink at writing summaries


An Arbor Day Carol  
  
I don't own Daria or its characters MTV does blah blah blah I wonder if it's possible to get really rich, buy out Daria, then you don't have to make the disclaimer ever! Oh and if I unlawfully misused the name of something else, i.e. Fight Club (btw I give away the ending of Fight Club in the beginning of this bwahahahaha) Don't sue me It's not nice and then I won't have enough money to go to college! You wouldn't want to deprive me of an education would you? *makes puppy eyes* muahahahahaha  
This is my fourth (I think) posted fanfic so be absolutely brutal so that I can crawl into my little corner and never post any again. *sniff* . Okay please read and enjoy!  
  
  
  
(open: Daria and Tom are watching a movie in Tom's living room.)  
Daria: (sarcastically) because if I shot myself in the cheek my multiple personalities would get shot in the head causing myself to be cured.  
Tom: Maybe it's because he went through drastic measures to get rid of Brad Pitt that it worked.  
Daria: Or he went more mentally insane and he only thinks he's okay when in all actuality he's lying in a hospital somewhere getting his testicles removed by his followers.  
Tom: Sure ... make fun of my favorite movie.  
Daria: And the buildings explode anyway? (scoffs)Some ending.  
Tom: Brad Pitt is gone, he gets his chick, and is still alive. I'd say it was a good ending.  
Daria: A happy ending or a good ending?  
Tom: It's a good ending.  
Daria: What happens next? Does he kill the colt or rule over his minions?  
Tom: That's left to the imagination.  
Daria: Imagination? Bah humbug! Books are meant to stimulate the imagination, movies are meant to give your mind less work to do.  
Tom: Don't bash movies! Movies are classic, the background music and the way the stories are portrayed through the camera ... and such.  
Daria: (half smiles)Compelling argument.  
Tom: (scowls) Well the movie is over and I'm beat (yawns and stretches) I'm gonna turn in. (he kisses her on the cheek coldly)  
Daria: (frowns) okay  
  
(cut to Chez Morgandorffer. Jake is watching television while Quinn is bugging Helen about something while Helen loads the dishwasher)  
Quinn: ...and tomorrow's Arbor, a holiday, (enter Daria) and we still have to go to school!  
Daria: To use paper made from trees.  
Helen: So...  
Quinn: So, I want to stage a protest.  
Helen: Quinn, you should choose your battles wisely and when you have thought hard over them I will support you.  
Quinn: Thanks! (she exits)  
Helen: Arbor Day? How absurd!  
Daria: Cashman's is having a one day sale tomorrow.  
Helen: Oh, Hi Daria! I didn't see you come in. How was your date?  
Daria: Tom's favorite movie is Fight Club. (She opens the fridge and takes out a pickle and begins eating it.)  
Helen: Ah yes, Brad Pitt, Ooooooooh  
Daria: (wrinkles nose in distaste) Blegh. Good Pickle.  
Helen: You didn't eat there?  
Daria: I did but I came home and began to crave pickles. (she opens the freezer) Oh look ice cream! (she takes out the ice cream sticks a spoon in and eats it. Then she Takes a bite out of her pickle and winces) mmm it's good  
Helen: Ha ha Daria, I know you're joking.  
Daria: Joking about what? (Helen shakes her head.)   
  
(Daria ascends the stairs to her room. She lays down on her bed and stares at the ceiling. Enter Quinn)  
Quinn: So you're gonna help me right?  
Daria: (sarcastically) of course...  
Quinn: You could be more compassionate or, better yet, normal!  
Daria: Normal people don't complain about Arbor Day.  
Quinn: Normal people want days off of school whenever they could squeeze one in.  
Daria: I'd rather get school over with as soon as possible.  
Quinn: C'mon Daria I need you! You'd be really good at helping me make my arguments. (Daria scoffs) Remember how close we used to be?  
(flashback: Daria and Quinn are really little and in the kitchen taking cookies out of a clown shaped jar. Helen walks in.)  
Helen: Girls! What do you think you're doing? I said, "No cookies until after dinner" and I meant it!  
Quinn: But you haven't even started making dinner yet and I'm hungry now!  
Daria: What Quinn means to say is that we believe that either that rule should be changed or you should move dinner to an earlier time.  
Helen: Give me one good reason.  
Quinn: (giggles) Oh Pah-lease... She'll give you twelve. (Helen glares, Daria smiles and begins to speak)  
(Back to present)  
Daria: Yeah COUSIN, I remember that vaguely.  
Quinn: Are You still angry about that?  
Daria: Angry? Funny word ... it doesn't do this feeling justice.  
Quinn: You are much more ashamed of me than I am of you.  
Daria: I'm not ashamed of you, I'm just waiting for you to grow up.  
Quinn: Someone needs an attitude adjustment like that Donald Duck looking guy in that Christmas special about a scrooge.  
Daria: What?  
Quinn: You know the Disney Christmas Carol? It was on today for some reason and I was thinking...  
Daria: Do you even know who Charles Dickens is?  
Quinn: The guy in your books?  
Daria: I don't own much Dickens.  
Quinn: Whatev... (quietly) So I guess this means you're not going to help me in my crusade? (Daria stares blankly) I'll just be going then. (Quinn exits)  
  
(Daria lays back down and falls asleep. The clock time lapses to twelve [just so ya know] A candle is floating in mid air. Daria awakens and sees this)  
Daria: I finally went insane. Damn, I though I was much stronger than that.  
Ghost1: I am the Ghost of Arbor Day past.  
(The ghost appears. He sort of reminds you of Mack but Daria doesn't see the resemblance. hehe)  
Daria: Phew, thank goodness this is just a dream.  
Ghost1: This is no Dream.  
Daria: Only a dream being would say that.  
Ghost1: Then what should I have said?  
Daria: "Oh ye of little faith"  
Ghost1: (clears throat) Oh ye of little faith! I am truly the Ghost of Arbor Day past.  
Daria: Why would there be a ghost of Arbor Day past?  
Ghost1: To help people like you.  
Daria: I don't need helping.  
Ghost1: What about that fight you had with Tom today?  
Daria: You call that a fight?  
Ghost1: Well it was no Edward Norton vs. Himself but yeah...  
Daria: Oh ye of little intelligence.  
Ghost1: It takes a lot of intelligence to be the ghost of Valen-...Arbor Day Past.  
Daria: Valen-Arbor Day?  
Ghost1: I got demoted.  
Daria: Why?  
Ghost1: (scowls)Christmas present had an unemployed son.  
Daria: Sucky  
Ghost1: Yeah, well lets get going then.  
Daria: To where?  
Ghost1: To your first boyfriend  
  
(They're suddenly in a cafeteria surrounded by little kids in overalls and pigtails. [Well, the boys don't have pigtails. Oh look there's one who does! Oh, no that's a girl, whoops.] There's a big picture of a tree on the wall that says "Arbor Day")  
Daria: Ack! They're so little and numerous! Creepy...  
Ghost1: Oh look there's you! (He points at a little girl sitting alone reading Grimms fairy tales and giggling. Daria laughs at herself. A little girl in pigtails and a pink overall jumper walks up to little Daria holding a clip board.)  
Girl: I'm taking a survey...  
Little Daria: And I'm reading about a girl who chops off her big toe in order to impress someone.  
Girl: (ignores her) Who do you think is the cutest guy in our grade?  
Little Daria: I'll humor you... My boyfriend of course.  
Girl: You have a new boyfriend already?  
Little Daria: What?  
Girl: (sympathetically) Jason told me that he broke up with you. (Little Daria looks angry)  
Daria: Ouch, I remember this...  
(Little Daria walks over to a table full of boys and taps a kid with blonde hair and golden eyes on the shoulder. He faces her and gets an "Oh shit" look on his face.)  
Little Daria: (threateningly)Did you break up with me?  
Jason: (hesitantly) Yes... I'm sorry  
Daria: Don't do it you'll get suspended. (Little Daria punches Jason and he falls out of his little chair)  
Jason: Ow! (He stands up and pushes Little Daria. Little Daria glances at a faculty member as she falls and smiles)  
Little Daria: Owww! (She begins to cry) The faculty member helps her up. Another comes for Jason.)  
The second faculty member: Did anyone see what happened?  
(All of the kids turn the heads away pretending to have seen nothing.)  
The SFM: (To Jason) You are going to the Principal.  
Daria: I tried to warn him.  
Ghost1: (chuckles)He had that coming.  
Daria: So what was I supposed to learn?  
Ghost1: I dunno, you're the smart one! I guess I have to show you more.  
Daria: Yeah...  
  
(All of a sudden they're in a cathedral at a wedding. They walk up to the altar)  
Daria: Hey that groom looks like you! (The ghost looks at her funnily) Shut up I'm tired. So, where's your bride?  
Ghost1: On a plane to Vegas with one of her bride's maids and soon to be life partner.  
Daria: And all on Arbor Day...  
Ghost1: Arbor day is a day of love. (Daria looks at him funnily) Shut up, the ex-valentines ghost of past is tired. (Daria smiles)  
Daria: So what is this supposed to tell me? That Tom is gay?  
Ghost1: No... This is to show you that your time together is precious. All couple's are separated eventually, whether by death or, ya know, breaking up. You should enjoy your relationship and stop bickering.  
Daria: I don't bicker.  
Ghost1: Do you want to start bickering with me now?  
Daria: (Sheepishly) no...  
Ghost1: 'cause I know all the best arguments. I've been talking to Aristotle, Plato, God,...  
Daria: There is a God?  
Ghost1: I can't say. The first rule about God is you do not talk about God. The second rule about God is you do not talk about God.  
Daria: Are you a Fight Club fan too?  
Ghost1: No I just wanted to cheese you off.  
Daria: Heh heh heh ... cheese (watch beeping)  
Ghost1: Oh no we're out of time. I'm supposed to let you sleep a while. The Ghost of Arbor day present hates grumpy people.  
  
(Daria wakes up in her bed and looks over at her clock. It says 1:00. She puts her glasses on and looks around)  
Daria: If that wasn't just a dream, I bet he's in the kitchen. (She goes to the kitchen where she sees a chubby guy with long red hair who looks kind of like upchuck but again she doesn't notice.)  
Ghost2: Okay, let's go. I want to get home as soon as possible.  
Daria: Hi, How are you? Yeah my first visit was very productive. I questioned my boyfriend's sexuality but you know...  
Ghost2: You're going to be an annoying visit..  
Daria: (sarcastically) I wonder why you're not Christmas present.  
Ghost2: Work is work. (There's a lot of smoke and they're suddenly in Tom's living room. The TV shows Fight Club playing. Two people are making out on the couch.)  
Ghost2: After Your fight, Tom found someone who appreciates his interests, who watches his movies.  
Daria: First of all, it wasn't a fight. And If you insist that it was, it wasn't a big fight. Second, They are actually watching the movie. And Third, That girl is me. (the camera pans to show that she is in fact Daria.)  
Ghost2: (Blocks Daria's view of her and Tom.) That's just a girl who looks like you. She's not wearing your signature outfit.  
Daria: I have more than one outfit.  
Ghost2: Get out...  
Daria: I'm going to need a little more convincing here.  
Ghost2: fine... (*poof* they disappear and reappear in the mall. Quinn is shopping with the rest of the fashion club.)  
Quinn: Who knew a protest could be so much fun?  
Tiffany: And now we have a reason for skipping school.  
Stacey: Yeah! This is great. I'm not worried at all about getting caught.  
Sandi: Good, because another episode like last time and we would seriously consider revoking your membership.  
Stacey: I Had to breathe into that paper bag or I couldn't breathe at all.  
Sandi: That's your problem, not ours.  
Quinn: C'mon Sandi show some compassion.  
Ghost2: See, your sister has the Arbor Day spirit in her.  
Daria: Which one, Past present, or future?  
Ghost2: She's a saver of trees.  
Daria: She's skipping class to go shopping!  
Ghost2: But if her demands are met, Arbor Day will become a real holiday like Memorial Day. Imagine what that would do to save trees.  
Daria: She's not doing it for Arbor day, she's doing it for herself.  
Ghost2: Okay I have one last thing to show you. (*poof* They're in a magical forest filled with little woodland creatures standing next to a pond) Without Arbor Day all of this will be torn down. (A hawk swoops down and picks up a chipmunk that Daria was looking at.)  
Daria: My experiences with forests haven't been pretty.  
Ghost2: But Trees supply you with oxygen that helps you to breathe. You do breathe don't you?  
Daria: Yes...  
Ghost2: Okay, I think my point has been made. (*poof* he disappears leaving Daria stranded)  
Daria: Dammit.  
  
(Time lapse Daria is skipping rocks. The Third Ghost appears wearing a black cape and carrying a sickle.)  
Daria: Death? (Ghost shakes head no) Ghost of Arbor Day Future? (Ghost nods) Mute ghost? (Ghost shakes head no. It pulls the hood down to reveal someone who looks like no one Daria's ever seen.)  
Ghost3: (Hoarse and raspy) I'm losing my voice.  
Daria: Have I seen you somewhere before? (The ghost shakes its head) Okay, Where to?  
Ghost3: Arbor Day future!  
Daria: Surprise, surprise. (The ghost snaps its fingers and they blink into a futuristic Lawndale) Oh No I still live in Lawndale? This is frightening. (They walk over to two young people whom I have named Dick and Harry)  
Dick: It's about time she kicked the bucket  
Harry: I wonder if she left us anything in her will.  
Daria: (sarcastically) I wonder who they could be talking about. (The ghost snaps its fingers and they blink into a graveyard) A graveyard? How cliche! (The spirit points to a tombstone) I wonder whose that is, Cookie Monster's?  
Ghost3: More people are a little more dismayed to discover their fate.  
Daria: (sarcastically)My fate? Awww you gave it away. (reads) Daria Morgandorffer. Yep that's me. Wait, this says I die when I'm one hundred and three.  
Ghost3: You spent one hundred and three years in Lawndale  
Daria: (screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (She wakes up in her bed screaming) Wait a second, what does that have to do with anything?  
Ghost3: (Appears) It's not over yet. This is your future home.  
Daria: Looks the same to me.  
Ghost3: You still live alone in your parent's old house.  
Daria: I thought I died.  
Ghost3: Oh yeah. (The two youths from before enter Daria's room and start taking stuff.)  
Daria: Who are they?  
Ghost3: You being the eccentric old lady that you were... er... will be, paid them to shovel snow onto your driveway.  
Daria: Onto my driveway?(Ghost nods) Ah.... Damn kids.  
Ghost3: Because you and Tom had so many fights about inconsequential things you two broke up and you never learned to love.  
Daria: Oh cheesy! Finding love isn't what life is all about. I probably had more important things in my life. (Ghost3 plays a video tape oh wait cancel that its a DVD oooh futuristic lol. The words "Daria Morgandorffer's Digital Obituary" pops up on the screen.)  
Voice from tape: Daria Morgandorffer passed away recently. She was a wealthy owner of ten world wide paper factories. She has no friends or family to speak of so all her money is going to her burial in the last cemetery left on earth and part to making this video.  
Daria: So you're pissed because I make paper for a living and that's not kosher with Arbor Day?(Ghost nods) Why did it say I have no family? Quinn had no offspring and died before me?  
Ghost3: They all died in the plague. They're technically not dead yet because they were cryogenically frozen while alive and waiting for a cure.  
Daria: It figures, Quinn never could accept death.  
Ghost3: Imagine her meeting me in my hood (chuckles. Daria raises and eyebrow) My death costume...  
Daria: Are we done?  
Ghost3: Did you learn anything? (Nods head at her and mouths "say yes")  
Daria: ...yeah (The ghost snaps its fingers and Daria is in her normal bed sleeping.)   
  
(Cut to morning. Daria wakes up)  
Daria: I have to stop eating Dad's cooking.  
(camera zooms out to see the three ghosts sitting on a cloud watching her.)  
Ghost1: Well she learned something...  
Ghost2: I'd say its a job well done.  
(Ghost3 Nods)  
  
(Just then Jane walks in angrily.)  
Jane: I wasn't in this fanfiction at all! I was here from the beginning and now you don't even write about me in your fanfiction? I'm appalled! I'm going to write a very nasty review about this and I urge anyone who reads this to do the same. Leaving me out can you believe this? ugh.  
  
THE END  
  
(In case anyone needed clarification about where it ended)  
  
  
As always I must have song lyric at the end for end credits ... even though I don't do opening credits ... oh well  
  
"I used to own this town  
now its all turned upside down  
I wish I could figure out.  
Do you think its just a phase I'm going through  
just a phase I'm going through  
Hooooooowwwwwllll!"  
-Big Wolf on Campus Theme song  
  
Who said it couldn't be from another show? No songs go good with this fanfic. :) Thanks for reading it please review so that you can crush all my hopes and dreams and send me into a hospital. teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee *begins to breathe into a paper bag* 


End file.
